From our under cover reporter:
The order of freeraccoons appears to have worked out a solution
for global hunger, warming and energy savings.
It is generally known that much energy is used for conservation and
preparation of food and that after sunset, so much energy is used for
illumination that it is visible even  from Mars.
Taking into account the opposition against genetic manipulation
almost has vanished, the secret board of the order's scientists set out to work.
Four radical genetic modifications of man are the foundation for the coming new man:
1. A walking and running function for the arms has been implemented so that as a
fast quadruped it is possible to catch food without making use of motorized transport
or energy wasting arms.
This enables the new man to inhabit areas that did become too inhospitable.
2. The digestion system has been adapted to appreciate and process rotten food,
especially rotten fish, eggs and tomatoes.
Thusly, all care, labor and energy for conservation and preparation of food will be superfluous
and global warming will slow down or come to a halt.
3. The skin has been adapted to process the via the adapted digestion system
released sulfurous- and phosphine-like compounds. This causes man to lighten up
after consumption so that at night no more illumination will be required: man
will be massively enlightened and illuminate whatever crosses his path,
without ever having to change light bulbs.
4. An improved version of the electric eel's power generator has been provided for,
to stimulate and facilitate the use of mobile electrical devices like mobile phones and laptops,
and as an auxiliary aid to stun unsuspecting preys.
The reporter, disguised as an interested financier, managed to visit the
order's laboratory and could covertly take a pic of the prototype, the scientists
affectionately call "The cloud of all knowing"":

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